CHERRY BIZARREan homage to Anton Chekhov's The Cherry Orchardby Walter WykesCHARACTERSLOPAHINEPIHODOVGAEVFIRS [A small country store. LOPAHIN, a merchant, rests on a stool behind the counter. FIRS, an old man, mumbles incoherently to himself as he sweeps up. There are crates of cherries everywhere and a sign which reads “Cherries for Sale...CHEAP!”]LOPAHIN: You’re a good worker Firs, old man. I don’t know how I ever got along without you. You’ve been quite helpful this past year. Very helpful indeed. You’ve missed a spot. Very good. Thank you, Firs. [FIRS says something, but not a word can be distinguished.]I remember when I was a lad of fifteen, I used to sweep up for my father--he kept a little shop in those days. One day, I missed a spot. Father was furious. I’ll never forget that day. He took a broom and shoved it up my ass. Right up my ass! I remember quite clearly. [Enter GAEV. He rushes to the counter.]GAEV: Lopahin! I must speak with you! It’s urgent!LOPAHIN: Not now--I’m in the middle of a story.GAEV: But it’s urgent!LOPAHIN: Where was I? [FIRS mumbles.]That’s right--the broom!GAEV: [Spots an empty bookcase.] Ah! There you are! [Rushes to the bookcase.]Oh! Beloved friend! Don’t worry, I’ll get you out of here! Lopahin, how much do you want for this bookcase?LOPAHIN: In a moment.GAEV: Name your price!LOPAHIN: Where was I? It’s so hard to remember after one is interrupted! Oh, yes!GAEV: [To the bookcase.] Are you well, my friend? Oh, dearest bookcase! Faithful companion! How I’ve missed you! You mustn’t hate me for leaving. I always intended to come back for you! You must believe that! [A large pile of cherry crates crashes to the floor as EPIHODOV Enters. Cherries fly everywhere. FIRS mumbles something and begins sweeping them up.]EPIHODOV: Sorry, everyone! Sorry! Don’t mind me. Every day some misfortune befalls me. I don’t complain. I’m used to it, and I wear a smiling face!LOPAHIN: Ah! Good Epihodov! I remember, when I was fifteen I once knocked over a crate of cherries in my father’s store. I remember quite vividly. He took the crate and shoved it up my ass. Right up my ass! I was shitting splinters for weeks! [EPIHODOV trips over his own feet and crashes into the counter, splitting his head open.]EPIHODOV: There! There, you see! I’ve split my head open! How do you like that?!LOPAHIN: The usual?EPIHODOV: Yes, and a few extra bandages this week if you don’t mind.LOPAHIN: Certainly, my friend!GAEV: [To the bookshelf.] Friend? Friend?! Hah! They know nothing of friendship! You and I--we know of friendship! Always true! Never faltering! No, no ... don’t cry. Hush now, little bookcase. [Sotto voce.] Don’t worry ... I have a plan to get you out of here! Shhh! They’ll hear you! [LOPAHIN hands EPIHODOV a box of bandages.]LOPAHIN: Bandages, there you go. Anything else?EPIHODOV: Perhaps a little extra gauze? And some kind of disinfectant for minor cuts and bruises?LOPAHIN: Of course. [LOPAHIN hands EPIHODOV a long strip of wrapping guaze.]Cut off what you need. I’ll look for the alcohol ... or perhaps some Neosporin Ointment!EPIHODOV: Whatever you think best, dear friend. [LOPAHIN rummages through his shelves. EPIHODOV measures out a length of wrapping gauze and picks up an axe to cut it. GAEV begins to fondle the bookcase.]LOPAHIN: Hydrogen peroxide? I seem to be out of alcohol. You cleaned me out last week. [EPIHODOV raises the axe and cuts off his hand.]EPIHODOV: There! You see! I’ve cut off my hand! It’s really quite remarkable! One thing after another! [FIRS mumbles something and sweeps up EPIHODOV’S hand. He begins wiping up the blood.]LOPAHIN: Thank you, Firs. [LOPAHIN pours hydrogen peroxide on EPIHODOV’S hand.]EPIHODOV: Ooh! It bubbles!GAEV: [To the bookshelf.] Now listen carefully. Don’t be alarmed, but... [GAEV lifts his shirt to reveal a small pistol.]I won’t use it unless I have to, so ... remain calm. If you act suspicious, they’ll know something’s up, and then we’ll have to come out shooting! Take a deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath! You’re going to give us away!LOPAHIN: What’s going on over there?GAEV: Stay back! Stay back or I’ll shoot! [GAEV points the gun at LOPAHIN and EPIHODOV. FIRS begins dusting the bookcase.]I’ll use this if I have to! Now...we’re going to walk out of here nice and easy. Nice and easy, understand! [GAEV lifts the bookcase and moves towards the door. FIRS dusts it as they go, mumbling to himself. As he reaches the door, GAEV slips, and the gun goes off--shooting EPIHODOV several times in the chest.]EPIHODOV: You see! Didn’t I tell you?! One thing after another! But I don’t complain. I’m used to it! [EPIHODOV falls to the ground, dead--blood spurting from his chest. GAEV shields the bookcase from this bloody scene.]GAEV: Don’t look! Please! You don’t want to see ... Oh, don’t be angry with me. I couldn’t stand it if you were angry with me. They drove me to it! Try to understand!LOPAHIN: You killed him.GAEV: Yes! I didn’t mean to, but I must save this dear bookcase! It has been with me since I was a small child! It is my only true friend! Isn’t that right, dear bookcase.LOPAHIN: Oh, dear Leonid Andreyevitch. What a tragedy! This particular bookcase is not your bookcase at all! Why, I know the bookcase you speak of--it was sold to a traveling salesman the same week your dear boring sister left us!GAEV: No!LOPAHIN: Yes. [Pause.]GAEV: Then ... this isn’t my bookcase?LOPAHIN: Not at all. I purchased this bookcase from three sisters who claimed to be moving to Moscow ... although I don’t think they were really moving anywhere. They talked of nothing else, but it seemed a lot of empty gibberish to me.GAEV: [To the bookcase.] You fraud! You led me on! You’re not my bookcase! [He blasts the bookcase to pieces.]I believe a man should always be prepared to kill himself. That’s why I carry a gun. [GAEV shoots himself in the head.]LOPAHIN: What a bloody circus. [Pause. FIRS begins to clean up the mess.]I remember when I was fifteen, the circus came to town. I wanted to see the circus, but my father thought it frivolous. I remember quite vividly. He took the whole circus and shoved it up my ass. Right up my ass! [FIRS continues to clean, mumbling to himself incoherently, as the lights fade to black.]