Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給你的錢干什么了？” “我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說?！霸俳o你兩分錢?？赡銥槭裁磳?duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個(gè)賣糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告訴 (2) nest n.窩；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓勵(lì) (5) resemble v. 相似；類似 鳥窩與頭發(fā) 我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個(gè)學(xué)生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個(gè)窩。 “是什么鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。 “我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩?！蹦呛⒆踊卮鹫f。 “那么，你能給我們描述一下這個(gè)鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵(lì)她道。 “哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣?！?I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因?yàn)槲覄傄Я俗约旱纳囝^。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。 我剛咬破自己的舌頭 “我們有毒嗎？”一個(gè)年幼的蛇問它的母親。 “是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個(gè)干什么？” “因?yàn)槲覄倓傄谱约旱纳囝^?！?A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準(zhǔn)備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對(duì)我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？” 英語笑話（一） Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子會(huì)和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能會(huì)直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長(zhǎng)跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個(gè)答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了農(nóng)夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會(huì)生氣的；而如果你踩了農(nóng)夫腳底的雞眼，他會(huì)更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因?yàn)閟nail（蝸牛）的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強(qiáng)壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces這個(gè)短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因?yàn)槌诉@個(gè)意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎樣才能不讓夢(mèng)游者（sleepwalker）夢(mèng)游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡(jiǎn)單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢(mèng)游者醒著呢，他的確就不會(huì)去夢(mèng)游了。 英語笑話（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一個(gè)大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。 -- 他真是一個(gè)大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 英語笑話（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來的 一位中國(guó)老婦人在美國(guó)看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺(tái)，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。 這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實(shí)在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請(qǐng)你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國(guó)直接帶來的?！?英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不識(shí)字 布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報(bào)紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識(shí)字?！?英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 給我那個(gè)打贏的吧 -- 服務(wù)員， 這個(gè)龍蝦只有一只爪。 -- 對(duì)不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。 -- 哦， 那給我那個(gè)打贏的吧。 英語笑話（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 吝嗇鬼請(qǐng)客 一個(gè)出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請(qǐng)一次客了。他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找到他家時(shí)說：“你上到五樓，找中間那個(gè)門，然后用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之后，再用你的腳把門推開?！?“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢？” “你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會(huì)空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf在一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)村路上，一警察讓這個(gè)農(nóng)民靠邊停車，說：“先生，你意識(shí)到你的妻子在幾公里前從車上掉下去了嗎？”農(nóng)民回答說：“感謝上帝，我還以為我聾了呢！”Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."拳擊和賽跑 丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個(gè)粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏?！?朋友： “如果他碰上的對(duì)手是一個(gè)比他高大，健壯而且也會(huì)拳擊的人怎么辦？” 丹：“我也會(huì)教他怎么樣賽跑呢?！盜van came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問,"發(fā)生了什么事？“ ”一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，“伊凡說。 ”再見到他時(shí)你能認(rèn)出來嗎?"媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說，“他的耳朵還在我的衣兜里呢?！?Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣？ 馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。 老師：錯(cuò)了。 馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運(yùn)來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。1.When Was Rome Built? 羅馬是什么時(shí)候建成的？ Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老師：羅馬是什么時(shí)候建成的？ 湯姆：在夜里建成的。 老師：誰告訴你的？ 湯姆：是您啊。您說過羅馬不是在一個(gè)白天建成的。 2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案 Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 教師：你能告訴我一些有關(guān)十八世紀(jì)的偉大科學(xué)家的事情嗎？ 學(xué)生：我能，先生。他們都死了。 3.Where do babies come from? 小孩從哪里來？ I asked my father where babies come from. He says you download them from the Internet. 我問爸爸小孩是從哪里來的，他說是從網(wǎng)上下載的。 4.An Essential Correction 實(shí)質(zhì)性的糾正 Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Walter: What was it? Teacher: Eggs. Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday. 老 師：沃爾特，你為什么不洗臉?我看得出你今天早飯吃了什么。 沃爾特：我吃了什么？ 老 師：雞蛋。 沃爾特：錯(cuò)了，老師。那是昨天吃的。 5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想爭(zhēng)論 “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?” “It's round,” answered Gerald. “How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!” “杰拉爾德，”老師說，“地球是什么形狀的？” “是圓形的，”杰拉爾德回答。 “你怎么知道是圓的？”老師繼續(xù)問。 “好，那就是方的吧，”他回答說。“我真的不想和您爭(zhēng)論這件事！” 6.Three Reasons 三個(gè)理由 Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so! 老師：鮑勃，說出三條理由來證實(shí)地球是圓的。 鮑勃：媽媽是這么說的，爸爸是這么說的，您也是這么說的！ 7.Who Should be Given the Present? 禮物該給誰？ A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一個(gè)有五個(gè)孩子的父親帶著一件玩具回到家里，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應(yīng)該給誰?！罢l最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓干什么就干什么？”他問道。 大家都不吭聲。過了一會(huì)兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：“爸爸，您玩兒吧?！? 8.Big Head 大腦袋 “All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.” “Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.” “Where's the shopping bag?” “I haven't got one, use your hat.” “所有的孩子都拿我取樂，”小男孩哭著跟媽媽說：“他們說我長(zhǎng)了一個(gè)大腦袋?！? “別聽他們的，”他媽媽安慰說?！澳愕哪X袋長(zhǎng)得很漂亮。好了，別哭了, 去到店里買10磅土豆來。” “兜子在哪兒呢？” “我沒有兜子——就用你的帽子吧。”