英語幽默笑話（精選15篇）

在繁忙的學(xué)習(xí)工作中，適時(shí)讀一些幽默笑話，放松自己，勞逸結(jié)合十分重要。下面是我為你整理的幾則英語幽默精彩段子，讓你笑到停不下來!!!

一、我是單身漢

Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked."Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."

杰克騎車摔傷,得住院治療.一位年輕美貌的護(hù)士拿著表格讓填.仞杰克填好遞上表格"還有什么漏填的?"護(hù)士問."有!"杰克想了想說,"我是個(gè)單身漢."

二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯

Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.

Husband:It's okey.To my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals.

妻子：你看這張報(bào)紙,據(jù)統(tǒng)計(jì),死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的.

丈夫：那有什么?據(jù)我調(diào)查,死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯的.

三、位置上的冰激凌

"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."

"Yours?Can you prove it?"

"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."

"請(qǐng)?jiān)?你占了我的位置."

"你的位置?你能征明這點(diǎn)嗎?"

"能,我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."

四、別無選擇

One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"

Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"

一天,夏娃問亞當(dāng)："你當(dāng)真愛我嗎?"

亞當(dāng)無可奈何地回答："我還有的選擇嗎?"

五 、 兩個(gè)男孩

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

當(dāng)老師走進(jìn)教室時(shí),兩個(gè)男孩在爭(zhēng)論.

老師是說：你們?cè)跔?zhēng)論什么?

一個(gè)男孩回答：‘我們撿到一張10塊,我們決定把它給一個(gè)說最大的謊的人.’

‘你們應(yīng)該覺得羞恥’老師說,‘當(dāng)我像你們那么大的時(shí)候,我連什么是說謊都不知道.’

兩個(gè)男孩把錢給了那個(gè)老師.

六、兩只鳥

Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?

Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher:Please tell us.

Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

老師：這兒有兩只鳥,一只是麻雀.誰能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀嗎?

學(xué)生：我指不出,但我知道答案.

老師：請(qǐng)說說看.

學(xué)生：燕子旁邊的`就是麻雀,麻雀旁邊的就是燕子.

七、魚網(wǎng)

"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎," 老師發(fā)問道.

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了." 小女孩回答道.

八、他贏了

Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.

Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen?

Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won.

湯姆：約翰尼,你小弟弟好嗎?

約翰尼：他害病臥床了.他受了傷.

湯姆：真糟糕,怎么回事兒?

約翰尼：我們做游戲,看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠(yuǎn),他贏了.

選我吧

心不在焉的老師

An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”

有一天，人們看見一個(gè)有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一只腳一直踏在街溝里，另一只腳踩在人行道上。 一個(gè)碰見他的學(xué)生說： “晚安，老師。您怎么了?” “啊，”這位老師回答說：“我想我離開家的時(shí)候還挺好的，可是現(xiàn)在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已經(jīng)一瘸一拐走了半個(gè)小時(shí)了?！?/p>

誰的兒子最偉大

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

四位牧師的母親聚到一起談?wù)撍齻兊膬鹤印！拔业膬鹤邮莻€(gè)教士，”第一位母親自豪地說道，“他進(jìn)入房間，人們都說，‘您好，閣下’?！?/p>

第二為母親說：“我的兒子是位主教。他進(jìn)入房間，人們都稱，‘您好，大人’?！?“我的兒子是位紅衣主教，”第三位母親接著說，“他走進(jìn)房間，人們都說，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’?！?/p>

第四位母親略思片刻?！拔业膬鹤由砀吡⒊呤?，體重三百磅，”她說，“他要是走入房間，人們都說‘哦，我的上帝’!”

為什么六怕七呢?

Q: Why was six scared of seven?

A: Because seven "ate" nine.

問題：為什么六怕七呢?

回答：因?yàn)槠哌B九都能吃掉呢!

(笑點(diǎn)：本應(yīng)該是seven eight nine, 但是利用了發(fā)音相同，將eight用ate(吃)替換掉了。)

用“beans(豆子)”造句

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

一名老師讓學(xué)生們利用單詞“beans(豆子)”造句，其中一個(gè)女孩說“我爸爸種豆子”。另外一個(gè)同學(xué)說“我媽媽炒豆子”。第三名學(xué)生說“我們是人類”。

(笑點(diǎn)：老師讓用的單詞是beans，豆子的意思，結(jié)果，第三個(gè)學(xué)生將beings 和 beans 搞混了，因?yàn)榘l(fā)音相同。)

兩塊蛋糕

Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎?

媽媽：當(dāng)然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧!

一分一塊錢 A dollar per point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天，教授正在給學(xué)生們監(jiān)考。他發(fā)下試卷，然后回到講臺(tái)前等待。

考試結(jié)束了，學(xué)生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發(fā)現(xiàn)一張?jiān)嚲砩蟿e著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著：“一分一塊錢?！?/p>

第二堂課，教授把試卷都發(fā)回學(xué)生們手中。其中一個(gè)學(xué)生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。

Eating out

外出就餐

When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

買單的時(shí)候，阿麥，阿克、阿力和阿湯每人都甩出20塊錢，雖然其實(shí)一共只吃了32塊50沒人有更小的票子了，也沒人愿意承認(rèn)他們其實(shí)想把票子破開。女人買單時(shí)，每人掏出個(gè)計(jì)算器。

卷煙廠都失火

Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Don't worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.

瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天她對(duì)丈夫抱怨說：“我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火?！薄安挥脫?dān)心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會(huì)點(diǎn)著的?！彼χf。

成年人的抉擇

The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

我兒子十八歲前的那一年，常常向我提出準(zhǔn)許他文身。但我拒絕允許他這么做。他爭(zhēng)辯說他不久就要成為男子漢了，并說他應(yīng)該能夠做出成年人的抉擇了。果然，十八歲生日的幾天后，他文了身，回到家里。盡管我對(duì)此感到不高興，但出于好奇，我想看看他選擇了什么雄性象征物。原來他在肩上文了一個(gè)兩英寸長的米老鼠像。

和上帝對(duì)話

He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

他問：“主啊，一百萬美元對(duì)你意味著多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士?！?男子又問：“那一百萬年呢，?”上帝說：“一秒鐘?！弊詈竽凶诱?qǐng)求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士嗎?“上帝回答：“過一秒鐘?！?/p>

可以借用一下嗎

Are you using your mower this afternoon?

今天下午你準(zhǔn)備用割草機(jī)嗎?

Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?

約翰遜先生：今天下午你準(zhǔn)備用割草機(jī)嗎?

Mr. Smith.Yes.

史密斯先生：是的。

Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it ?

約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網(wǎng)球拍，那我可以借用一下嗎?

媽媽不見了

A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "l've lost my moml" The cop said,"What's she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”

有一個(gè)小女孩走丟了，于是她走到一個(gè)警察跟前說：“我媽媽不見了!”這個(gè)警察說：“她什么樣子?”小女孩回答：“買東西和說閑話!”

Get the kid

A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.

這里想對(duì)將要退休的人提一點(diǎn)忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，千萬別進(jìn)退休社區(qū)。因?yàn)槟抢锏娜硕计甙耸畾q或者八九十歲了。每當(dāng)要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時(shí)，他們會(huì)喊，“讓小的干吧。